Welding

There is welding going on outside my office door as part of the "build a stairwell project" and sparks are flying everywhere, even hitting my door. It's a little unnerving and I'm afraid to leave. :)

Latest adventures

Cooking adventures
I've started making dinner for Kevin once a week. Two weeks ago we had curried beef stir fry, and last week I tried my hand at oxtail with beans and rice (see the recipe here). This week I think I'll make Moroccan chicken stew with sweet potato pudding (sweet potato pudding is sweet potato pie without the crust). Kevin isn't crazy about my favorite foods (hamburgers, spaghetti, and midwestern meat and potatoes) so I use our dinner dates as an opportunity to try out exotic recipes. In the meantime, he recently cooked tripe and has parts of a goat to use for future endeavors (the head and feet, I think). Interesting.

Travel adventures
Speaking of Kevin, we took a little roadtrip on saturday. He wanted to look at a car in Indiana, so I came along in case he decided to purchase it. It was a fun trip. We chatted in the car on the way there, and saw some neat things - a retro gas pump, crazy drivers, construction in Chicago.. okay, it wasn't all neat, but still an adventure all the same.

On the way back I experienced love at first sight...


We were driving through Chicago and I couldn't stop staring at this beautiful car in the next lane. It was so smooth and white with clean lines and a huge, shiny grill. I also noticed the big hood ornament on the front. I'm not usually a car person, but this one really caught my eye. When we stopped at an oasis, I told Kevin about the car, and he knew exactly what I was talking about! I couldn't stop thinking about it and told him it was so beautiful I was going to make it my computer's desktop picture. It's a Rolls Royce Phantom. I guess I have expensive taste. :)

Edit: I was just looking at Yahoo Cars and saw the MSRP is $333K. I'd have to get a loan to make just one payment on that puppy!

Birthday adventures
I'm turning 26 this friday, and have decided what kind of cake I want to make for myself (I don't mind making my own birthday cake because I love baking so much). When I was a kid, I used to draw pictures of cakes on birthday cards. My dream cake was pink and frilly with garlands and bows on the sides (this was back in my princess days, before I became a pre-teen and wanted to be a tomboy). I am going to make myself a cake like this for my birthday using yellow cake. It will be great!

Today's Lunch:
Leftover oxtail with beans and rice
Banana

Nobel Peace Prize winner

My coworker Ken was on the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), who, along with Al Gore, won the Nobel Peace Prize.

No matter that the IPCC consists of 2,500 people.. in our book, Ken is still da man!



Notice the great sign our coworkers made for him...


I like how this one makes it look like Ken and Al Gore were working together exclusively, like there weren't 2500 people on the committee.


Here's the actual document he was working on.


Congratulations, Ken! (and did I mention he's from Marquette, MI? Go UP!)

Good things

I've been feeling kind of crummy lately, most likely from stress and hormones, and my self esteem has taken a dive. A couple days ago I did some internet research on raising self esteem, and I found an article about helping people as a way to help yourself. Since I am no longer doing any volunteer work, I thought that part of my life might be missing, and if I did something good for somebody, I might feel better as a result.

It worked. It didn't have to be anything special, just thinking about others. Here's what I did:

• I sent an email to two friends who I hadn't been in contact with for a while.
• I snail-mailed an article to my dad regarding a book he might like to read
  
• I snail-mailed my brother Joe this article from The Onion about someone stealing a calzone from an Enterprise Rent-a-Car employee (Joe used to work for ERAC).
• I sent a card to my former landlords, TT and Annie. Annie's father just passed away.
• Last night I made a casserole for my former landlords. I made a tomato sauce from italian sausage, fennel, canned tomatoes, and a little red wine (I got the recipe from the best vegetable cookbook in the world). Then I mixed it with penne pasta and threw on some mozzarella and fresh-grated parmesan cheese. They were really surprised and happy and it made me feel good!
• I sent out emails to all my friends who responded to my mass email about joining the Peace Corps. Today someone took me out to lunch, and in a couple of weeks I'm going to get some drinks with some ladies, and I'm also going to lunch with Zach.

Seriously, it feels so good to be back in contact with people and out of my little rut. And it helps to do something nice for someone, even if it's just sending them an article. :)

Today's Lunch:
Lunch with Jo, former van driver. We ate at the UW Hospital cafeteria. I had cashew chicken, which was awful, but managed to force it down (why do I keep getting the Asian food when it's always a disappointment???)

It's one of those days

The weather's crummy, I'm tired and craving sugar, and I just want to go home and hang out with Kitty.

But first I'm going to Wal-Mart. :)

Zach cracks me up!

I wrote out this mass email telling friends (who don't read my blog) about my Peace Corps assignment. Zach doesn't read my blog, so I included him in my email. He responded that he'd like to get together before I go, so I told him I'm available any day of the week except for wednesdays because I can't miss America's Next Top Model. His response?

Crystal

OMG, Miss J's Afro.
I'm free during the weekends.

I couldn't stop laughing.

Speaking of Zach, I recently had some old film developed and there was a great picture of us. Thought I'd share.



Yup, back in the the days before our relationship became a friendship...

Today's Lunch:
2 pieces leftover Papa Murphy's pizza (with salami, pepperoni, sausage, onion, and black olives)
Apple

Wedding cake question

Ooh, question for all you brides, former brides, and brides-to-be:

How much did you pay for your wedding cake?

I'm thinking about putting an ad on craigslist and don't know how much to charge per slice. What's the going rate these days? I'd probably ask 75% the cost of what people would pay a professional to do, since I'm not a pro and my cakes aren't perfect. :)

Thanks for your help.

TV

I think I could do without watching Grey's Anatomy. It's just become too soapy for me. Where's the humor? Where's the silliness? It's all about freakin' love triangles and I'm going to put it into my category 2 TV watching.

I just thought of this idea, categorizing my TV shows. Category 1 means I have to see it, and will plan my schedule around watching it. These are the shows that I turn up the volume on and only dash off to the kitchen or bathroom during commercials. If someone calls while this show is on, I won't answer the phone. Yeah, I'm obsessed with Category 1 shows. Category 2 means I will still kind of plan my schedule around seeing it, but I could go without. It's more like watching a show out of habit. Category 3 is a show that I like and know when it comes on, but that I can only watch on occasion and don't really plan my schedule around. And Category 4 is a show that I will watch only when flipping through the channels and seeing that it's on.

So here's my list:

Category 1.
America's Next Top Model
Gossip Girl

Category 2.
King of Queens
Sex and the City
Grey's Anatomy

Category 3.
Friends
Beauty and the Geek

Category 4.
Entertainment Tonight
Law and Order
CSI

It would be great if I had a really snarky friend to watch ANTM with so we could make fun of Tyra and the contestants. And the Jays. And make sexy remarks about Nigel. *drool*

Today's Lunch:
More leftover chicken curry
Two mini Hershey bars to cut the spiciness of the curry

Hoo boy!

Thursday night I made some curried chicken and threw a scotch bonnet pepper into the pot. I just finished eating some of the leftovers, and my mouth is on fire! I'm glad I didn't throw in two like I had originally planned.

Approach with caution:


In other news, I placed an ad in our workplace bulletin trying to find Kitty a new home. Today one of my colleagues approached me and she seemed interested, but she already has a cat so we're going to introduce them to each other and see if they're compatible.

Today's Lunch:
Leftover curried chicken (drumstick, sweet potatoes, carrots, green pepper, onion and scotch bonnet pepper in curry sauce)

[whine]

I haven't been feeling great about myself lately. I'm guessing it's hormones, but I don't know for sure. It's just that my self esteem has plummeted and though I try to get it back up, it doesn't always work.

There are times where I feel ugly and fat and like a bad friend. There are times where I wonder why people don't want to be my friend and so I feel worthless. Sometimes I make mistakes and it's hard to forgive myself.

I feel like a failure at my job. I have absolutely no motivation to work or do anything worthwhile, and so I feel like I'm always in trouble with my boss, even though she's never mentioned anything. Annual employee reviews are coming and I'm dreading mine, though I dread my review every year and it always goes just fine.

I feel bad because Kevin's friends think I'm easy. And I feel even worse because I've proven it. And now Kevin, the one person I have close to me, might not even want to be with me anymore.

The only hope I have is to join the Peace Corps and put all this behind me. This job, this boyfriend, these bad feelings about myself. Maybe if I do something worthwhile I will start to feel better about myself.

Why do I do these things?

Why is it that when I'm in a relationship and everything seems to be going well and we're working on things that I cheat on my partner?

Is it revenge? Is it adventure and excitement? Is it to pull away? I'm so confused.

And the way I feel now... would I feel this remorse and agony if Kevin hadn't caught me? Or would I continue on with my life and wait for the bad feelings to go away, like they did in the past with these situations? What kind of heartless person am I to deliberately hurt somebody and to pull away without remorse? What is wrong with me? How did I become this person?

It started in high school with my boyfriend Dan. I wasn't really "in" to the relationship, and when I tried to break things off he begged me to stay with him. So I did. And lo and behold, later on, I came onto a coworker and we made out in the back room of BC Pizza. Then he took me home in his truck and we parked and I gave him a blowjob. Was I trying to pull away from Dan? Was I trying to make myself feel better about no longer having feelings for him? Was I fighting the feelings I had for him?

Then in college... the only boyfriend I didn't deliberately cheat on was Zach. For a while, anyway. I was so in to our relationship that I sacrificed a lot of things to stay with him and keep us happy. And it worked. I had never been so in love with anybody. But one day I was drunk and made out with another guy. It was stupid, but at least I confessed it to Zach. We eventually broke up over it, but when we got back together the next year we were closer than ever. It wasn't until about 4 years later when we got back together again that we knew things weren't right for us.

The list of boyfriends I've cheated on goes on. Justin, Shaggy, Jason, all for different reasons. The situation with Kevin is most similar to my situation with Justin. I felt intimidated by his age and experience with life. Maybe I thought he was better than me or just wanted to make myself feel better about some insecurity I had. Shaggy and Jason.. well, I just cheated on them because I knew things were already about to end. Especially with Jason. I no longer wanted to have sex with him and I was ready to move on.

I suppose that's what happened with Zach. I cheated on him twice since we were together in Madison, and by cheating I mean the whole nine yards. Twice with two different men. I wasn't into having sex with Zach from the very first time we had sex in Alaska. I should have seen that things weren't meant to be right from the start. And I think that a combination of alcohol and feelings of "does my body not work correctly?" made me want to see if I was really all right. And cheating on him didn't feel good. I feel bad that I've become such a dishonest person. What can I do differently next time? Not cheat? Not drink? If I cheat, should I tell the person?

I think I slept with Edi because I was mad at Kevin for these reasons:

• He lied about his living situation and his baby and didn't/doesn't seem to be remorseful
  
• He's admitted to cheating on girlfriends in the past, though in a nonspecific way ("you know when you're with someone and things aren't working out and you want to see what else is out there before you end things?")
• I felt he abandoned me when I saw his car was gone
• When he told me he'd never been cheated on, I felt that it couldn't be true. I also felt that it wasn't fair that he's cheated on people before and doesn't expect to get the same treatment back. I was afraid he would cheat on me and I'd never know and he would always have the upper hand because he was the cheater. Who is he to think he'd never get cheated on or that he had never been cheated on?
  

I didn't realize how wonderful of a person he is. I didn't know Kevin was so straight-laced but yet still adventurous; wonderful qualities, in my opinion. I didn't know he was such a good boyfriend. I always knew he wasn't cheating on me, but that's to be expected from anyone. I can also see that he's a great father and would be a good partner for me.

But I think we have trust issues, definitely. Now they are even worse. But I feel that Kevin has been regaining my trust steadily these past few months, and hopefully I can regain his trust.

African wedding

Kevin's friend Abu and his fiance, Mia, got married last weekend. Some photos:

Mia looked so beautiful in her wedding gown, and Abu looked handsome in his African clothes.


Kevin was the best man. He wore African clothing, too.


I volunteered to make the wedding cake. It was a huge project, but it was a lot of fun. Some highlights:

Gumpaste flowers - somehow I forgot to take pictures of the roses. They were really cool.




My table, covered in cakes:


For the buttercream frosting I had to use three sticks of butter, all sliced up. And that was only for 1/3 of the cake.


Since they were having a fall wedding and Mia's favorite color is burnt orange, I wanted to incorporate that somehow. So I made leaf-shaped sugar cookies to decorate around the base of the cake.


The cake:


Top tier: two white cakes stacked on top of each other, separated by cardboard circle
Second tier: same as top tier
Bottom tier: same as above, but with chocolate cake. I had to make three different chocolate cakes before I found one that worked well (the first one was too moist, the second one collapsed).

So yeah, that was exciting.

Today's Lunch:
It's Columbus Day, so I don't have to work. I haven't yet figured out what I'm eating for lunch.

Short attention span?

I don't know why, but when I hear people lecture I can't stand to listen to them for more than two minutes. It really takes a lot of concentration for me to focus on what they are saying, and because I don't like concentrating in that way, I usually don't listen. I either zone out or entertain myself by making fun of their voice or counting the number of times they say "uh" or "um." I know it's a bad habit but I can't seem to shake it.

I asked my coworker Marshall what this meant about me, and he said it means I'm antsy. I really think I'm a hands-on or reading learner, not a lecture learner. Maybe that's why I like cooking and crafts so much.

Today's Lunch:
Leftover curried beef stir fry with green beans and sweet potatoes over basmati rice
Honeycrisp apple

I'm alive

Hello blog, it's been awhile.

Joe and Mary's wedding was great. I was baking like a fool! Some baking highlights:

• Had some issues with clarified butter. I clarified it, let it sit out for a few hours, then when I needed it I stuck it in the microwave and after 10 seconds it exploded everywhere. I was so bummed. My mom made a run to the store for more cheesecloth and I clarified more butter and it was a pain in my butt.
• My pineapple curd came out perfectly! It was smooth and creamy and not at all lumpy.
  
• Had to make the genoise twice. The first time it came out flat as a pancake. There are 16 eggs in each genoise recipe, so I had to go out and buy more eggs. Then I had to clarify more butter for the second go-round.
  
• Mom brought my Kitchen Aid mixer back, and it was like we were long-lost lovers. I missed it so much.
• I threw out a lot of cake due to trimmings and mistakes. Now I know how professionals get cake for their samples.
• The red velvet cake was pretty dense, so I ended up multiplying the recipe by 7 instead of 4. That was a lot of red dye.

I baked all day thursday and friday, and then barely had enough time to finish up on saturday. As the reception was starting I was still putting on the finishing touches. But it turned out wonderfully! Nothing fell over, the icing didn't melt, and everything looked great. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to take pictures because I was rushing around everywhere and my hands were constantly covered in goo, but Becky took some and will hopefully be sharing them soon.

I was so concerned about running to the reception and setting up my cake that I could barely focus on Joe and Mary getting married. But when I did focus, it was beautiful and I started crying and the ladies behind me gave me a tissue. They are so perfect for each other. They are going to be so happy together. I can't believe my little brother is already married!

And my other little brother, Chico, is 21! Can you believe that? He's not much of a drinker, so at the reception I gave him some pointers on getting rid of nasty tequila shots without drinking them. Although I did see him chugging some champagne. :)

Today's Lunch:
Eggs and toast